


Whether the Weather Be Grey

by runningsissors



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Big Bang Challenge, F/M, Gen, Post-Eclipse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 13:38:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17684516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningsissors/pseuds/runningsissors
Summary: "She feels independent, and for the first time, she has goals that have nothing to do with love and immortality, but instead involve paychecks and graduation caps. For the first time, she thinks she might have a future, a real life."





	Whether the Weather Be Grey

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for Bella/Jacob Big Bang @ livejournal in 2010.

 

_Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm, or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it, but there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon._

_\- Practical Magic_

 

 ---

 

The decision to come back home was not an easy one; it took a month for Bella to even call Charlie and tell him of her failed relationship and abysmal grades. 

 

She’s spent the last few months suppressing all the memories of what went wrong. She runs her tongue over the wire on the back of her teeth; a nervous habit she picked up right after her braces had been taken off when she was thirteen. This motion leaves her tongue feeling raw, but she doesn’t care. She’d take all the pain and discomfort in the world if she could just go back and fix things, fix the enormous gaping wide hole of problems she’s caused.

 

Charlie folds down his paper to throw her a questioning look while she stirs milk into her coffee absentmindedly. She never enjoyed the taste of coffee growing up, but she’s found that recently she needs it like she needs oxygen. It’s the only thing that keeps her from passing out these days. She’s gone back to having bad dreams again; no longer faces, just these hazy images and shapes. She thinks she would rather have vivid, terrifying dreams than this blurry mess that appears every night. She can’t tell anything from it, not the location, the figures, or even what’s going on. It’s like she’s in the stage right before someone’s sight is wholly blackened, like that moment when you first wake up, and the world is unfocused.

 

“Bella, kiddo, you okay?” Charlie waves a hand in her face, and Bella blinks a few times before she realizes that she’s been lost in her thoughts again.

 

“Yeah…oh yeah, I’m fine. I, uh, just have a lot on my mind these days.” She runs her tongue once again over that silver wire glued to the back of her bottom teeth.  
  
 

He shakes his head and smiles. “Okay, well, I’m off to file paperwork.” He pushes out of his chair, it groans against the linoleum floor that should have been replaced years ago. “I should be home around six-thirty – you know I could come home earlier. I just don’t like the thought of you here moping around.”

 

“Dad, I’m not moping around, really. I actually thought I might take the truck out to Port Angeles.”   
  
 

“Oh well, just be safe.” And with that Charlie places a quick kiss on the crown of her head, secures his gun belt and heads out the door.

 

  
With a sigh, Bella brings her mug to her lips and slips into another memory.  
  
 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 _“_ _Bella, will you please stop?”_ _His tone is calm but ever so slightly verging on exasperation._

_“_ _No, I will not stop. I’_ _m sick of waiting, Edward. Do it now.”_

_His fingers clench up into tight fists, she can tell he’_ _s become impatient with her, and she thinks to herself ‘_ _that makes two of us.’_

_“_ _Bella, you’_ _re acting ridiculous, I am not going to change you in the middle of a dirty alleyway. Now stop this so that we can go home.”_

_She shakes her head and pulls out the piece of broken glass she found earlier from her pocket. “_ _I mean it, Edward; I’_ _m not waiting any longer. I’_ _m tired of being treated like a porcelain doll. I’_ _m sick of your family walking on eggshells around me, and I’_ _m so tired of you watching over your shoulder whenever we go anywhere or do anything. That’_ _s no way to live.”_

 

 _And with that, she brings the glass to herself and gashes the skin right between her collarbone and neck. It’_ _s a relatively small cut, but it’_ _s thick enough to produce blood._ _A small red drop trickles down her skin onto the hollow of her neck._ _She looks at Edward and watches his eyes change from gold to black in seconds._

 

 _“_ _Come on, do it. Don’t resist.”_ _She takes a step towards him, and he takes three steps back into the dim cast of the streetlight. “_ _Edward, we belong together,”_ _she says with a smile. “I’_ _ll never want anything the way I want to be with you, so what’_ _s the wait?”_

 

 _There’_ _s a pause, and everything goes silent before he shortens the distance between them and reaches out with his thumb to catch the blood drop. Bella’_ _s breath hitches in her throat, and her heart begins to pound. The glass slips from her hand, clattering to the pavement._

_"If you think I will change you in some dirty back alley, you obviously haven't truly thought through the realities of what you're asking me to do."_

_He turns away,  and the shame of her actions slams through her whole body like a tidal wave._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

The drive to Port Angeles is shorter that Bella expects, and within an hour she finds herself walking warily through the second-hand bookstore, her fingers fanning over the spines of worn novels as she heads in the direction of the small biography shelf.

 

Biographies are all she can really handle at this time in her life. She much more enjoys reading about others’ lives; it helps her forget about her own.

 

She needs to find new books anyway; she can’t stomach _Pride and Prejudice_ anymore, and that relationship doesn’t even remind her of Edward Cullen.

 

An hour later she’s headed out the door, desperate for fresh air. Even Bella Swan cannot handle musty books for an extensive period. She wanders around the quaint little shops on Elgin Street, her eyes only momentarily glancing at faces in fear of catching somebody’s attention, but it’s too late.

Her eyes connect with a short woman with wild dark curls, Mrs. Stanley. Bella had forgotten just how much Jessica resembles her mother. The woman looks Bella over for a moment before recognition hits and her eyes light up. “Bella Swan, is that you?” she calls out and waves her arm in a quick motion.  
  
 

Bella forces her lips into what she hopes is a convincing smile, and sucks in a deep breath of cool late autumn air and runs her tongue along the wire for strength. “Hi, Mrs. Stanley, how are you?”

 

  
“Oh my, you look so different from last time I saw you.” Her eyes scan over Bella’s features, and she smiles once again. “How’s school? Jessica mentioned some school out east, but for the life of me, I can’t remember the name. How’s your mother doing these days?”  
  
 

 

 

\---

  
  
 

 

 _“_ _Bella, I know that you’_ _re upset now, but you’_ _ll meet new boys, you’_ _ll see. You’_ _re so young and so pretty with your beautiful eyes and long hair.”_

 

 _Ren_ _é_ e _reaches out and runs her fingers through Bella’s hair. “_ _I wish I had hair like you do when I was your age. Boys love long hair; I read that in a magazine once.”_

_She sighs and leans down to kiss Bella’_ _s cheek, before getting up off the bed and closing the door behind her._

 

 _That afternoon Bella drives down to the nearest salon. She doesn’_ _t want to be pretty or attract boys. She just wants to be alone._

 

_And as she sits there in the chair, watching the scissors chop at brown strands, she feels the bitterness wash over her. It reminds her of a beautiful girl she once knew who cut her hair off in a fit of defiance against the one she loved._

 

_She looks at herself in the mirror and thinks that maybe she should start taking more pages out of Leah Clearwater’s book._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

Bella has always loved grocery shopping; it’s the only kind of shopping she’s ever liked. She finds it’s the best time for her to relax and just get lost in everything around her.

 

She rounds her small cart down the aisle; the wheels noisily squeak as she turns, and she cringes ever so slightly. She’s decided that if she’s going to continue staying with Charlie, she’s going to have to restock his house with the essentials that have gone missing during her departure.  
  
 

She reaches for dill, lemon pepper, and curry powder, but can’t seem to locate rosemary. That is until she notices it on the top of the tall metal shelf. _“Shoot_ _,”_ she curses under her breath as she stretches onto the tips of her toes in an attempt to reach it but fails miserably. She tries again, extending her legs and arms as far they can go.

 

“Here, let me get that for you,” a voice says from behind her, as an arm reaches up from above her head to retrieve the pesky container of rosemary.  
  
 

Bella whips around and comes face to face with the white cotton shirt of one extremely shocked, Jacob Black.

 

 _“_ _Jesus Christ,”_ he exclaims as the container drops from his hand and clatters to the floor.  
  
 

Her heart immediately begins to pound rapidly in her chest, and she can hear her pulse hammering in her ears. It’s like all the air has been sucked out of the entire store.

 

God, he’s beautiful; he’s so beautiful it makes Bella want to cry out. His dark eyes are barely visible underneath his mess of shaggy black hair, but she still sees them, and she’s pretty sure they have the same look as a deer caught in headlights.

 

“Thanks” she mumbles as she tucks her hair behind her ears and reaches down to collect the container, placing it in her cart.

 

Jacob scrubs his hands over his face, sucks in a quick breath and frowns. “I didn’t know leeches took their blood with rosemary.”  
  
 

Bella clears her throat. “You’re home.” It’s all she can muster to say at this point. She wants to touch him, maybe more than she wants him to touch her, but she won’t. She _can_ _’t_ , and he’s apparently in no mood for her to anyway.

 

“What are you doing here?”  His voice comes out angry and breathless, and it makes her want to shrink into herself.

 

“I’m uh...” She pauses. God, she wishes her heart would stop drumming in her ears so she could think of something intelligent to say. “I’m shopping.” Okay. Maybe not.

 

“No, I mean, what are doing here, in Forks?”

 

“Oh yeah, right, I’m uh… just staying with Charlie until my transfer to U-Dub goes through.”

 

“Right.” He scratches at the back of his head, his arm a sold line of corded muscle. “I’m sorry for that comment before. I was an asshole; a surprised asshole, but an asshole all the same.”

 

“Oh, that’s okay. I deserve it, I truly do.” She smiles weakly up at him, and he returns it with a goofy side grin.

 

“You look good. It’s nice to see some colour finally in that skin of yours.”

 

Bella blushes. Her cheeks and arms, well really her whole body is painfully raw and red from the hot sun she endured in Florida.

 

“It suits you, you know,” he reaches out and brushes his finger through the hair that hangs along her shoulders. Her body screams in nervous pleasure at the feel of his hand. “Everything does. The burn, the cut, the spices.”

 

“I’ve missed you a lot.” It pops out quicker than Bella has time to think. She doesn’t want to be this needy thing, this person who wears their heart on their sleeve. But she’s never been quite able to watch what she says around Jacob, so why should now be any different.

 

“Yeah,” he grins soft, almost shy like, “me too.”

 

 

 

_\---_

 

_“I can’t live like this anymore.”_

_“What are you talking about?” His voice is condescending, and it only enrages her more._

_“I’m not happy. Are you? Are you genuinely happy, Edward?”_

_He looks at her with jewelled eyes, they twinkle but hold no understanding of what she’s trying to express. “Is this about me refusing to change you?” He asks, “Because really, Bella this is becoming quite absurd.”_

_"No... well partly yes, but there’s more than that. I hate New Hampshire and Dartmouth, and wedding dresses, and I hate the fact that we’re not happy together anymore.”_

_“Well, yes I know we’re not exactly happy, but what do you want me to do? I love you, Bella, but I can’t make you forget the things that make you unhappy. I can’ t fix you.”_

_“I don’t need to be fixed.” Her arms cross defensively across her chest, and she’s panting with the anger that’s building in the pit of her stomach._

_“Bella, this isn’t about you and me anymore, is it?” His eyes are dark, almost hollow.  Every argument they have nowadays always returned to the subject they hate to discuss._

_Jacob Black._

_“Edward, not everything is about Jac-” She stops, the name getting caught in her throat. She can’t even think of him, let alone say his name._

_He reaches out for her, but she steps back; they’re always stepping back from each other these days._

_“ Bella, love, I know that you are angry with me right now. I understand,”_

_“ Of course, you understand.” Her voice is quivering, and she feels like she’s close to the edge. She’ s not sure she’s ever been this angry with Edward before in her entire life._

_“Bella, please,” he pauses and runs a hand through his already tousled hair. “I’m frightened of what will be the aftermath.”_

_“So am I. But I still want to try.” She stops her harsh words to look around her. Edward wants her to calm down, and she wants him to get mad._

_“You will never be more beautiful to me than you are now though, Bella, and I don’t want to lose that.”_

_Her eyes are puffy, and her face is red, hardly a vision of beauty and grace. “ Why aren’t you mad?”_

_“Bella, love, I could never be mad with you. You frustrate me sometimes, but I could never be angry with you.”_

_She clenches her fist, and a hot pool slides around in the bottom of her stomach. “I wish you would.”_

_He looks at her with hurt eyes, but she doesn’t care. “I wish you would just get angry with me sometimes so that I wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time.” She’s past the point of caring. “You’re so perfect, and I know I’m not, and I just want you to recognize that.”_

He casts his eyes down to the floor, _“I’m far from being a perfect individual, remember what I told you. You can't help but be drawn in, it's part of the monstrous way I’m portrayed in your mind. I was made to be perfect.”_

_“Yeah, well I wasn’t.”_

_She’s been called selfish more than once in her life, and every time she says she won’t be like that again. She’ll change her ways. But the truth is that it’s human nature to be selfish at times._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

They grab a coffee, but coffee turns into lunch because Jacob doesn’t actually drink the stuff and Bella’s working on the weight thing, the gaining of it, that is.

 

They hit the diner, that way he can eat, and she can fill up on complimentary java. Their waitress smiles just a little too sweet when handing Jacob his plate of burger and onion rings, and Bella tries to hide her eye roll behind her cup. 

 

She was so used to everyone falling all over Edward, that by the end she hardly even noticed it. But with Jacob it’s different. Maybe it’s because she’s not really done many _‘_ _public’_ things with Jacob other than the odd movie out. Maybe it’s because she never really thought about other people finding Jacob as attractive as she did.

 

Up to this point, she’d never really thought of the fact that Jacob was more than just the boy who held the other half of her heart. She’s never really considered the fact that maybe girls want Jacob; that they could feel the same way she felt about him. That maybe they stare at his hands and think about how big they are. That maybe something in them loosens at the way his hair brushes his jaw, and his lashes curl towards his brow.

 

Maybe they see the lean plains of his body; notice the broad stretch of his shoulders and corded build of his limbs. Maybe they see the things Bella’s always seen, but never really wanted to acknowledge.

 

She flushes, and he smiles.

 

“So, what’s the sun like?” he muses as he picks an onion ring off his plate and tears it in two.

 

She grins. “Hot.”

 

He laughs, wiping the grease off his hands and onto his pants. “I’m not familiar with that concept.”

 

She rolls her eyes and shakes away the flyaway hairs from her face. The waitress comes back with Bella’s wrap. They exchange tight, fake smiles and she saunters off.

 

“Sure, sure.”  She mumbles, stealing his saying with another small grin.

 

Conversation flows from there. They talk about everything and nothing at all at the same time. It’s nothing because really, they are discussing trivial things; there is no closure or new info brought to the table. But it’s everything because it’s them and because Bella could cry at how perfectly he’s treating her.

 

“So how long are you sticking around?” Jacob looks down at his empty plate, tracing patterns with the tip of his knife.

 

Bella swallows down a lump, “I don’t really have any plans right now, you know.” She folds her hands over the red tabletop. “I guess I’ll just move out when my transfer goes through.”

 

He nods, she watches as his hair falls into his face on the down swish. It’s just the right length, she thinks. It’s long enough to push from his face, yet short enough to not cause him any discomfort.

 

“I knew,” he says quietly.

 

She looks up, her brows creasing down the middle. “What do you mean?”

 

He pauses and fidgets with his fork now. “I mean, I knew about you and.... _Cullen_.”

 

Her heart stops for a moment. “Oh.”

 

He quickly shakes his head. “No, I mean, Charlie told Billy, and the old man mentioned in passing to me that you were in Florida. But I guess I just didn’t believe that you know… you were there alone, and then I didn’t hear anything else about you, and I assumed...” he looks up at her with dark eyes like he’s tip-toeing around something.

 

“Jake...” she begins hesitantly.

 

“…And I just assumed everything was back, that you and— _Cullen_ were back together…again. And then I saw you today, and you were just-”

 

“Jacob,” Bella says sternly this time, he looks up. “Let’s not talk about this now, okay?”

 

She slides her hand across the table and threads her tiny fingers through his. He studies their fingers; she can feel him flexing his hand around hers.

 

“I swear to God, I really do love you, Bella.” He brushes his other hand over the pale skin of her knuckle, causing her fingers to twitch.

 

She stares at him, unable to say anything. 

 

“I love you so much that I ate raw rabbits and squirrels for five straight weeks, just because I knew if I ran back home, I’d do something to ruin your wedding, and you’d never forgive me.”

 

Bella chokes on her small hysterical giggle as it slips out, mixing with the sob she had been trying to hold in.

 

He grins sheepishly. “But I guess that was useless anyway. Pretty stupid right? Though I’m not going to lie, I was pretty pissed when I finally got home and found out I’d been picking gristle from my teeth for nothing.”

 

Bella’s giggles have turned into a sort of uncontrollable laughter, and soon Jacob is joining her. They get louder and louder as they clutch on to one another. People begin to cast glances their way.

 

When they’ve calmed down, Bella wipes tears from her eyes and smiles. Jacob’s still chuckling, but Bella’s sobered up.

 

She reaches across with her other hand and lays it over their clasped ones. Jacob looks down at their hands and then up at her. He’s got the same face he had the very last time she saw him. It’s solemn and thoughtful, heartbroken.

 

“I love you, too, you know,” she says.

 

She’s not ready for anything, but there’s no point lying, or covering things up to ease the feeling of betrayal within her. She loves Jacob; she loves him dearly, achingly so. She always will. Her mother once told her that you never totally get over the boys you cry about for days.

 

It’s painful to be in love, but it’s excruciating to be in love with two people at the same time.

 

Jacob insists on paying the check, catching the waitress with his eyes before Bella even has time to begin pulling out her wallet.

 

They part ways at their cars. Bella squints when she looks up at him. He’s grown again, now completely towering over her.

 

“So, we should do this again.” She rummages around in her purse for her keys.

 

He barks out a round of laughter, and she looks up confused. “What are we, middle-aged?” She wrinkles her nose at this. “What’s with the formality?”

 

“I…uh, I don’t know,” she stumbles out, blushing.

 

He laughs again, “Well, I’m busy tomorrow, but I’m good the day after that?”

 

“Yes,” she says more desperately than she’d intended. “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

 

He smiles and rubs his hands through his hair; it sticks up at odd angles. Bella laughs.

 

“So, I guess you’ll call me then? She reaches out and smoothes down his hair. Her fingers tighten momentarily, her heart shudders.

 

“Sure, sure,” he says quickly. “Yeah… um, tomorrow night?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Her lips curve in a small smile, and she jingles her keys as she turns to leave. He reaches out though and pulls her arm, pulls her close, tight, flush against him and places a hand in her hair and the other on the small of her back. She lets out a wet hybrid of a sobbed breath and a sigh. Wraps her arms around him, her head resting on the soft warm-feeling cotton of his shirt.

 

“I don’t want to sound cheesy or anything, but you’re my favourite person to hug.” His chest rumbles against her cheek, his fingers running to the edges of her hair, brushing out air-dried waves.

 

“You’re kind of nice to hug, too,” she mumbles softly.

 

After a tiny bit, they break apart, and Bella drives home with this phantom feeling of unease that she hasn’t felt in seven months.  
 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

**Hi Mom,**

**Thanks for the pictures, I got them in the mail just this week. I’ve meant to get one of the three of us, so now I do. Oh, that reminds me, I’ve still got one of Phil’s ball caps – I hope he doesn’t need it or anything. I can mail it to you if he does. Just let me know.**

**And you’ll be happy to know, I’ve gained seven more pounds since moving back in with Charlie. I think it’s all this cold weather; I’m hibernating for winter.**

**Charlie’s fine; I’ll tell him you send your love.**

**I’m really doing okay, Mom. You don’t need to keep worrying about me. I promise.**

**I love you.**

**Bella**

 

 

\--- 

 

 

 

“Bell!” Charlie’s voice echoes up into the washroom. “Jake’s on the pho-” he stops at the sound of crashing footsteps down the stairs and chuckles.

 

Bella rushes into the kitchen, securing her bathrobe, and lunges for the phone her father has extended towards her.

 

She scowls at him when he laughs and turns her back to him.

 

“Hi,” she says quickly, breathlessly.

_“Hi, I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?”_

 

She shakes her head, twirling the phone cord around her fingers. “No, not at all, what’s up?”

 

_“Well, when I got home, no one was here. Rach is over at –”_

 

“Wait,” Bella interrupts, leaning against a yellow cabinet. “Rachel’s home? When did she get back to La Push?”

_“A few weeks ago, and don’t interrupt. I’m trying to tell you a grand story, and when you stop my train of thought, you screw with the flow.”_

 

Bella snickers, and then apologizes.

 

 _“Thank you. What I was trying to tell you before is that Billy isn't home; he’s left a note saying he's having dinner at Sue’s house. Now I want your supreme feminine opinion here…”_ Bella snorts at this, _“do you think my fifty-one-year old father is on a date?”_

 

Bella’s features scrunch up, and she looks out into the living room where she can hear some sort of sportscast playing loudly on the television. “I’m not exactly the best person to be talking to this about, but if you want an expert’s opinion, I would be more than happy to provide with you with Jessica Stanley’s number.” 

 

Jacob snorts into the receiver, _“Is she that loud, mouthy girl you went to school with?”_

 

“Yes,” Bella says, trying to hold back her laughter.

 

_“Then no, I’d rather talk to you. She sounds like a real gab, from the way you used to talk about her.”_

 

“She’s not that bad-”

 

_“Doesn’t matter, I’d still rather talk to you. What are you doing tonight?”_

 

Bella grins into the receiver. “Nothing, why?”

 

 _“Because I’m all on my own, and I want to see you.”_ She really smiles now. _“Fancy taking a drive up to La Push?”_

 

“I’ll be there in a half hour.”

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_“I say the purple; it makes the blue of your veins look gorgeous!” Alice exclaims, pushing another hanger into Bella’s already filled arms._

_Bella self-consciously glances at her forearms. “I don’t think that’s exactly the look I was going for, Alice,” she crunches out between tight lips, “I want…sexy, not tasty.”_

 

_Alice gives Bella a sidelong glance then rolls her eyes and hands her another hanger of lingerie. “Now go try these on.”_

 

_Bella blushes and nervously stumbles towards the change room with half the store in her hands. The sales assistant gives her an odd look as she opens the stall and Bella quickly ducks in, a flush crawling up her entire body now._

 

_She stares at everything for a moment once inside. Why would women voluntarily wear these death traps? There are enough buckles and ties to send Bella into insanity. She can’t pull off silk and corsets; she’s plain, average._

 

_She likes cotton; it’s always been a dear friend to her._

 

_But cotton won’t get Edward feeling as frustrated as she feels; it won’t help her change his mind. It won’t get him to touch her._

 

_She takes a deep, concentrated breath, and tugs off her coat._

 

_She’s halfway through attempting to get the first of Alice’s many selections on when Alice stomps into the change room with a scowl on her face._

 

_“Alice!” Bella throws her hands over her body, trying to maintain some small level of decency. “I’m not finis-”_

 

_“There’s no point.” Alice sighs heavily and begins gathering up the hangers of skimpy lingerie. “I’ve already seen it. He turns you down, you two fight, and then he comes and yells at me for encouraging your idea.”_

 

_Bella’s stomach plummets to her feet. “Oh.” She looks away sharply when tears escape and trickle down her face like blood from a wound. In a way, it’s like an interior wound - an emotional wound._

 

_Alice places a reassuring hand on Bella’s elbow. “I’m sorry, Bella. He wants to, he loves you. He’s just stuck in his ways.”_

 

_Bella sniffles, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand._

 

_“You know how stubborn Edward is.”_

 

_Bella wipes at her eyes again and frowns. “Yeah, I know.”_

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

When Bella pulls up to the little red weathered house the last rays of the sun are peeking through the trees.

 

Jacob rushes out, takes her hand and drags her down to the beach. They hit the sand, and Jacob flops down onto the ground, pulling her down with him in the process.

 

She makes a strained noise when her bottom meets the sand. “What was the great rush for?”

 

Jacob smiles and points out into the water. “For that.”

 

Bella’s eyes follow the direction of his extended arm, and she watches as the sun’s orange ball of flame disappears into the Pacific Ocean. It bathes the sky in a painter’s palette of pink and yellow.

 

“Oh,” Bella whispers, fearing that talking will make it all disappear.

 

“Yeah,” Jake husks out, his voice low and rumbled. They sit and watch in silence until the last of the sun dips below the water’s surface. Bella sighs and runs sand between her fingers.

 

“So,” she begins quietly. “What were you so busy with today, was it pack issues?”

 

He turns and shrugs. “No, nothing like that.”

 

Bella smiles, bumping her shoulder into his arm. “So, then what was it?”

 

Jacob digs his feet into the ground, and…Bella can’t believe it, blushes. “I missed too much school last year, so I’m taking Saturday courses to catch up.”

 

Bella rests her hand on his arm. “You weren’t held back, or anything were you?”

 

He looks at her and shakes his head. “No, I just need to get more credits so I can graduate on time.”

 

“Oh, well that’s really smart of you, Jake.” She squeezes his arm, her thumb rubbing across his skin. "It's good that you’re not missing so much school anymore.”

 

"Well, it helps that there haven't been bloodsuckers here in months." They both wince at his words, and he turns to look at her. "Sorry, Bells" he mumbles, "I didn't mean to--" 

 

"It's okay," she quickly cuts him off. "If it's any consolation, after learning about what their presence does, the Cu-" the name gets choked in her throat, "The Cullens don't ever plan to come back to this area." 

 

When Carlise had sold their home in Forks Bella felt relieved. She knows what a burden phasing is, how much Jacob hates that it happened. She would never want any more boys to have their adolescence ripped from them because of the Cullens. Of course, at that time she had thought she would become one of them. Even the idea that she could have potentially one day triggered Jacob's descendants makes her feel sick. Although the very thought of Jacob having direct descendants was never something she wanted to linger too closely on. 

 

Jacob shrugs again, “Yeah, well the sooner I can get out, the better.” He frowns and turns to her, reaching out and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me. How was your day?”

 

Bella blushes at the intimacy, and he affectionately rolls his eyes. “It was fine, I guess. I did all the washing today, then read for a while.” 

 

Jacob laughs. “Wow, Bella. That sounds captivating. What a gripping life you lead.” 

 

She shoves at him playfully. “Shut up, my life is plenty gripping.” He snorts, the sound ringing in his chest. Bella likes that sound, always has.

 

He digs his finger into her rib, and she squirms with laughter, her head somehow flailing onto his lap in an ungraceful motion. When her laughter dies down, she looks up at him and smiles. A blush creeps up her skin again.

 

Jacob runs his finger through her hair, tugging lightly when he hits the ends. He grins that infectious Jacob grin, but it’s deeper for some reason, and Bella gets a weird feeling in her stomach. She knows this feeling.

 

It’s the feeling she got every time she used to think about pushing the boundaries with Jacob, or when he pushed them himself time and time again. The tightening of everything inside of her when he leaned down to kiss her in the mountains all those months ago. It’s a sense of anticipation. She has to look away; she’s not ready for this to happen so soon. She’s still grieving, still mourning.     

 

“So,” she begins again hastily, breaking the momentary fog. “Billy and Sue?”

 

Jacob frowns slightly, giving away his emotions at once. “Oh yeah, don’t remind me.” His nose wrinkles. Bella has to laugh; he looks too precious when he does that for her not to make a note of it.

 

“You can’t honestly believe that though, can you?” She adjusts her head to see his face better. “I mean, Harry just di— has only been gone for a few months now.”

 

Jacob shrugs. “You can say the word, Bella. People move on at different levels, I guess.” He looks down at her, his fingers sifting through a particular tangle. Bella’s body tightens slightly; maybe he isn’t talking about his dad at all.

 

“It’s not like they’re running around flaunting their relationship or anything,” he adds. “If they’re happy, then they’re happy.” He clears his throat uncomfortably. “I mean, I could be just imagining the whole thing too.”

 

Bella nods, her cheeks flushed. “That could be true. I mean, Sue needs people to support her, and Billy has been friends with Harry for years. He’s probably just helping her out.”

 

“Yeah.” A moment of awkward silence passes between them, Bella's not used to this happening with Jacob.

 

“But,” she says quickly, trying to lighten the mood. “On the bright side, your ego would be lifted beyond comprehension if they were. Seth would idolize you and everything you did. You could walk around the house with grand music playing and a wind machine and Seth cou—”

 

Her nervous rambling is cut off when Jacob leans down and kisses her. His lips are soft; they don’t push or pry at her, they just press against hers gently. She takes a shallow breath, her lips slanting against his now and oh, god, she’s pulling him in deeper and reaching up to place her hand on his neck. Her muscles shake as she pulls herself up higher, shifting her knees to hit against his leg, making him twist as he cups the back of her head and no - _no_. This can’t happen.

 

She jerks away and turns her head, causing Jacob’s next kiss to miss their intended mark and hit her cheek. “I- I can’t do this. I’m so sorry,” she gasps, catching her breath and getting up quickly.  

 

“Bella,” Jacob calls after her as she stumbles towards the hill, tears burning in her eyes. “Bella, just wait a minute!”

 

Her body’s shaking, every muscle in her seizing up painfully as more tears fall. It shouldn’t feel like a betrayal; she shouldn’t feel guilty. Everyone knew she was eventually going to end up back with Jacob, so why should it bother her so much?

 

“Hey,” Jacob says softly, catching her wrist in his grasp. “Hey, where are you going?”

 

She wipes at her eyes. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this to you,” she gasps, sniffling and wiping at her eyes again to catch fallen tears.

 

His brow furrows. “Do what to me? Bella, honey, why are you crying?” He tugs her close and places his hand gently on the back of her head. 

 

Her sobs only increase. “I cr-y at everything…you kno-w-w this.”

 

He chuckles lightly and pats her hair; she’s hiccupping her breaths now.

 

“It’s no-t f-fair to you. I’m no-t-t ready, and I don’t want you to th—ink that you’re sec-cond best, because you’re not. You’re not at all!” She buries her face into his chest, unable to help herself from indulging in the comfort that he seems to bring her effortlessly. “And… it’s not r-r-right to Edward, or to the relationship we had, for m-m-e to just go running back t-t-to you. It makes it seem like it was not-t-thing, and that’s not tru-u-e.” She sobs into his shirt openly, “it was everything to me, and now it’s all over and I - I don’t want people thinking I didn’t love him. And s-so that’s why, I can’t kiss you again, because I w-w-ant to, but it wouldn’t be fair to ev-everyone.” She gasps for breath, tilting her head up and resting her chin on his chest to stare at him properly. “I’m so sorry, Jake, please d-d-don’t hate me. I love you and I u—understand if you hate me, b-but please don’t!”

 

He gives her a distant look then grabs the fabric of his t-shirt away from his body and uses it to mop away the tears dripping down her cheeks.

 

“I’m sorry I ruined your t-shirt,” Bella mumbles out, sniffling softly.

 

He just shrugs. “I’ll live.” She smiles a watery smile when he pats her nose with his thumb. 

 

“Bella…” He frowns subtly. “You’ll never be accused of not having loved Edward; everyone knows you did-” His brows slide together as he corrects himself. “Do. But don’t you think it’s ridiculous for you to sacrifice your happiness this way?” Bella looks at him, confused, but he just shakes his head. “I love you. Nothing has changed since I was lying in my bed hopped up on morphine, at least not for me, that is…”

 

“Me either,” she frantically adds.

 

Jacob nods, reaching out to take both her hands in his. “Then why should we go through all this pain of not being together because you’re worried what people think when we can be happy now?” 

 

“But…” Bella moans, then stops, biting at her cheek. She takes a deep breath, lets the air expand within her until she can’t hold it any longer, then releases it and lays her forehead back down on the dark stain of Jake’s t-shirt. “Okay.” 

 

Jacob brings their hands tight against him, “Okay?”

 

Bella slowly looks up. Jacob’s smiling, he’s smiling, and she can’t help but want to as well. “Yeah, okay.”

 

 

 

\---

 

 

_“I just think that Orwell’s theory of Marxism is completely glorified, comparing the revolution of Russia to domestic farm animals.”_

_Bella catches the tip of her flat on a raised cobblestone and stumbles forward. Edward quickly grabs her arm and pulls right. The walk to Bella’s American History class is always scenic, yet hazardous to Bella’s clumsy feet._

 

_“It’s just a novel, Edward. Isn’t it alright to just read a story and enjoy it, without having to analyze the underlining message?”_

 

_He smiles. “Well, of course, it is. But it’s different when you’ve actually lived through all the major events of the twentieth century.”_

 

_She rolls her eyes, laying her head against his arm. “Well then a hundred years from now, you and I can discuss novels set in this period, and we’ll see if that theory still works.”_

 

_Edward’s lip twitches, but quickly plasters a pleasant smile on his face. “We’ll see, love.”_

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

“So, tell me again why we’ve changed our interest from car repairs and maintenance to building furniture?”

 

Bella’s stretched out on the front seat of the rabbit while she watches Jacob fasten a leg onto the bottom of a freshly cut small wooden table.

 

“Because I broke Em’s kitchen table when I got into a fist-fight with Paul,” Jacob grunts out, a nail hanging from the corner of his mouth as he drills in another bit.

 

She laughs and flips over onto her stomach so she can see his craftsmanship properly.  
  
 

At this point, she’s past asking how fights get started when it comes to hot-headed Paul.

 

If she’s honest with herself, she’s quite impressed with all the skills he possesses, with the way his harsh, coarse hands smooth over the rougher wood, leaving it polished and varnished.

 

“And when you say _we_ , you mean _me_ , right?” His tone drips with the sarcasm that can only be labelled a ‘Jacob’ thing.

 

“That’s not true. While you are working away, I am busy reading out your homework for you, because some of us still actually need to pass English. Now, where was I?”

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_She throws her luggage into the back of the car and climbs into the passenger side._

  
_The drive feels like a déjà vu to Bella - staring out the window with a gloomy outlook on life, while her mother tries to talk her out of leaving._

_“You know baby; you can stay as long as you want with Phil and me.”_  
  
  
_Bella can’t stay in Florida any longer; she’s finally realized that hiding out won’t help her, or even make her feel better. If she’s going to move forward, she’s going to have to confront her fear head-on._

 

_“No mom, I can’t stay here any longer. Charlie will be worried about me, and besides, as crazy as this sounds, I actually miss rainy Washington.”_

 

_“Sweetie, do you really think that going back to Forks will help you-”_

  
_Renée stops mid-sentence when she notices her daughter squirming in her seat in obvious discomfort._

 

_The rest of the drive is silent except for the blare of the radio that Renée insists be left on the station that plays ‘Easy Listening’ love songs._

 

_The songs don’t hurt Bella anymore; they just annoy her._

 

_“Honey, just remember that you can call me absolutely whenever you need and let me know when you make a decision about school, okay?”_

 

_“Yes, mom.” Renée pulls her into one final goodbye hug before Bella heads off through security._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

Bella stands over her cutting board, dicing up onions and cloves of garlic for the spaghetti she promised to make Charlie tonight. There’s a loud knock at the door; it makes Bella’s heart pound out of her chest for a moment before she regains herself. She wipes her hands down her pants before turning the doorknob and coming face to face with Mike Newton.

 

“Hi, _Arizona._ ” His smile is broad, and his voice is too chipper for Bella’s liking. Nothing screams ‘high school’ like stupid nicknames.

 

“Mike, wow…uh...what are you doing here?” She’s completely lost for words, but she knows why he’s here. Mrs. Stanley told everyone, including Mrs. Newton of Bella’s failed relationship with Dr. Cullen’s youngest son.

 

So now here Michael Newton stands, with a bright smile and an optimistic attitude.

 

“So how long have you been back in Forks?” She asks. She runs her finger around the rim of her mug, trying not to make direct eye contact with him and gives a subtle slash to the wires with her tongue.

 

“I just got home yesterday morning.” He smiles at her again. “You look really good by the way, you know with the haircut and stuff.”

 

She looks up, “thanks,” she mumbles out before bringing her eyes back to the table surface. “So, how’s Jess?”

  
His mouth twitches as he subtly rolls his eyes, “Uh, she’s good – I guess. I mean we haven’t spoken in a while.” He brings his mug to his lips and takes a deep sip. “We broke up before school started.”

 

“Oh.” Bella’s smile is sympathetic, but it’s more for Jessica than Mike. She did always think they made a good couple.

 

“You know as I recall, you owe me a movie.”

 

“Shoot,” she mutters quietly to herself. She'd had a worrying thought that Mike might ask her out eventually; she just hoped she could have found a way to avoid it. You’d think she’d be a professional at letting Mike down, but once again she stumbles for the right words. Then suddenly, like God is answering her silent prayers, her saviour walks into her front hall slamming the door behind him.

 

“Bella Swan,” he calls out “I can’t take another day of high school. I don’t know how you—” He stops dead in his tracks and just stares at the scene in front of him.  
 

 

She has her back to Mike, but if he could see her face, he’d know that she’s pleading for Jacob to save her with her eyes.

 

Jacob crosses his arms over his chest (she’s sure partly to show off his overpowering body mass) and leans against the doorway with a grin.

 

“Oh hey, sorry. I’m not interrupting, am I?”

 

Mike’s facial muscles tighten. “I’m just down for a few days.” He pauses and returns Jacob’s sly smile. “How’s high school still treating you, you’re a senior right?”

 

"Junior," Jacob mutters, looking annoyed for a moment. 

 

"Oh, wow," Mike says, in this false surprised voice. "I forgot how much younger you are than Bella and me." 

  
  
“Good thing that doesn't you does it Bells?” Jacob comes to stand right behind Bella; placing his hands on her shoulders in a possessive manner, and with that Bella is up and out of her chair in lightning speed, trying to break the extremely uncomfortable tension with laughter that was more fake than charming.  
  
  
She quickly ushers Mike out of the house with an apology “I’m so sorry! I forgot all about having to go somewhere with Jacob today.” She makes a promise she will break about getting together before he leaves town and practically slams the door as Mike heads down the steps. As soon as he is out of sight, she slumps against the back of the door and lets her bottom hit the floor.

 

“So did N’Sync just stop by for a visit then?” Jacob asks as he attempts to withhold a chuckle waiting to explode.  
  
  
“Oh, you’re funny,” Bella says, her voice dripping with heavy sarcasm. “You were absolutely no help whatsoever. And Mike really is a nice guy.”  
  
  
“God, doesn’t that guy ever give up?” Jacob plops himself down into the chair that Bella had been occupying a few minutes prior.

 

“Jacob Black, you are such a hypocrite! As I recall, you have thrown yourself at me on numerous occasions.” She pushes herself up off the floor and heads back to her cutting board; chopping up parsley into a dusting.  
  
  
“No, no, no, that’s completely different, and you know that.” He pushes himself up out of the chair and leans his back against the counter beside her.

 

“Whatever you say.” She gives him a look, then laughs when he raises his brow at her and goes back to her chopping. Jacob walks into the living room. She can hear his heavy sigh as his body hits the cushions of the couch. 

 

“I bet you’re hungry,” she calls out, as she adds the diced items to the mixture in the saucepot and turns the heat on the stove down to halfway. “I’ll get you something.”

 

“Is popcorn okay? That’s all I have at the moment,” Bella calls out again over the sound of clanging pots and closing cabinets.

 

“Really honey, I’m fine. I’m not even hungry,” Jacob calls back from his sprawled position on the couch.

   
“You _not_ being hungry is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard, by the way,” she exclaims as she plops her body down in front of him with a sigh. He immediately wraps his arms around her waist and brings her closer to his body.

 

Jacob rolls his eyes and pulls her even closer to him, laying a soft kiss along her temple. “So, what’s the plan for school again?” 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 _Bella sits in Renée’s tub with the cordless phone to her ear, and her legs curled up against her chest._  
  
  
_The phone rings three times before she hears the voice she needs._  
  
  
_“Hi, Dad.”_

 

_“Bella, hon, how are you?” His voice makes her smile and tear up at the same time. She’s surprised by just how much she misses him._

 

 _“I’m fine. There was actually something I wanted to ask you?”_  
  
_  
_

_“Sure, go ahead.”_

 

_She pauses and wipes away the tears. “Do you think I could come home?”_

 

_“Of course.”_

 

_When she gets off the plane, Charlie is standing there, waiting for her in the terminal with open arms. She walks into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him._

 

_It’s an unusual greeting for the two of them, but under the circumstances, it feels quite natural. Bella never imagined that she would develop this kind of closeness with her father; she never imagined that she would need him so much._

 

 _“I thought I told you to be careful about the sunscreen.” He pats down the hair on the top her head._  
  
_  
_

_“Well hi to you too, Dad.”_

 

_He lets go and picks up her bags. “Come on, let’s go home.”_

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

College is not what Bella expected it to be the second time around. At Dartmouth, she never felt the rush, the excitement of being on her own. She had walked down the cobblestone streets with the pressure of Edward’s cool touch on the small of her back.

 

The only time she was ever alone was in classes, and when she was there, she felt lost. She felt herself drowning.

 

There was no connection, nothing keeping her dedicated. Thanks to Alice, she was so focused on Taffeta and wedding crystal that she hardly even noticed herself slipping.

 

Bella’s transfer to UDub is processed over the spring. Charlie sent in all her information and helped her pay for half the tuition.

 

She won’t take the Cullen’s money.

 

She just makes the cut-off for their summer semester, and by June she’s moved into her single-room dorm in student residence. She could have waited till the Fall, but with the way, her grades were when she left Dartmouth she could use the catch-up the summer will provide.

 

She goes in as a general English major, with a promise to Charlie that she’ll make sure she doesn’t take too many ‘useless courses” as he puts it. Bella takes business and sociology classes, a course on cooking, and language and grammar also. She gets a job with the school paper, editing work and checking facts. She feels independent, and for the first time, she has goals, goals that have nothing to do with love and eternal happiness but instead involve paychecks and graduation caps.

 

Bella is sitting at her assigned desk in the paper room, the words on the screen beginning to blur before her eyes, when her phone rings.

 

The call display tells her it’s her mother, and with a sigh, Bella picks up.

 

“Hi, Mom,” Bella says, her voice sagging with fatigue. She hears the sound of sniffling and silent tears. “Mom,” she says with concern. “What’s wrong?”

 

Renée splutters into the receiver “Bella, I’m going to have a baby.”

 

Bella feels the blood drain from her face.

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_Bella has a piece of cake on the tip of her fork. There’s a demanding nod from Alice to eat it. She smiles, rolls her eyes and takes a bite. She can feel the soft mousse melt onto her tongue._

  
  
_“It’s good,” she mumbles, her cheeks still full of dessert. Alice smiles and makes a note on her clipboard._

 

_“See, Bella, I told you that dark chocola-” Alice’s words stumble to a halt and Bella looks over at her. Her eyes are glazed over, and her hands tremble._

 

_“Alice?” Bella reaches out to take her hand, and at that moment Alice’s eyes clear and she looks around._

 

_“Carlisle,” she calls out, her voice small and child-like. He hurries into the kitchen and takes Alice’s quivering form in his arms._

 

_“What did you see Alice?” His eyes are filled with concern. Bella sits in her chair, quietly. She knows not to get involved with things like this, but when Alice murmurs something into Carlisle’s ear, and he quickly looks over at Bella, his brow furrowing, she can’t help but feel her stomach plummet to her feet._

  

 

 

\---

 

 

 

“Dad!” Bella calls out as she lugs her duffle bag into the tiny front hall. She’s immediately hit with the overpowering aroma of burning food.

 

“Dad?” she quickly sets her bag down and hurries into the kitchen. A cloud of smoke billows from the open stove oven as Charlie flaps away at it with a tea towel.

 

He looks up at her shocked face and groans. “I swear I’m not this helpless.” He fans at the smoke a few more times. “I fell asleep on the couch.” 

 

Bella shakes her head and opens the kitchen window. “Who won?”

 

Charlie looks sheepishly at the oven as he twists the tea towel in his hands. “The Indians, 4-2.”

 

He notices the way Bella’s features scrunch up as she tries to work something out. “That’s Cleveland,” he clarifies.

 

She rolls her eyes and goes to the freezer looking for one of the many frozen dishes she prepared before leaving.

 

“Oh, that reminds me, Jake called. He wanted you to call him when you got in.”

 

“Dad,” Bella squeaks, turning to Charlie with an annoyed look on her face. “That’s an awful segue.”

 

Charlie just laughs and goes back to fanning. “Good to have you home, kid.”  

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_“I’m sorry Dad, but with school and wedding preparations, I just don’t think I’m going to be able to make Thanksgiving.”_

 

_The line is quiet for a moment, “That’s okay, kiddo. I understand; school comes first. I guess I’ll see you at Christmas then.”_

 

_She chokes down the golf ball sized lump in the back of her throat. “Yeah, I won’t miss Christmas, Dad. I promise.”_

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

When Bella pulls up to the weather-worn house, there is an unfamiliar car in the drive. She parks down near the garage and takes the rickety white-washed steps with caution.

 

She hasn’t even knocked yet, but the door flies open, and the ground disappears from beneath Bella’s feet. Trees and wood and sky become a blur, and she closes her eyes tightly to keep from getting dizzy.

 

When she feels the world has stopped, she opens her eyes to see Jacob smiling at her, a smile so wide she could probably count every tooth in his mouth.

 

“I’ve missed you.”

 

He places a hand on the back of her head to hold her tight and kisses her. She feels his finger scratch lightly along her scalp. When they pull apart, she giggles.

“I’ve missed you, too.” 

 

He smiles again and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers hooking around her earlobe. She goes to move, but he slides his hand to the nape of her neck again. “Wait, wait, wait, I’m not done looking at you yet.”  

 

Bella blushes and gently pushes at him “Jake, there are people inside that could see us.”

 

He laughs. “It’s just Sue.” He bows his head, but she shakes hers and frowns. He rolls his eyes, says “All right, fine.” And they head into the house.

 

Sue is sitting at his kitchen table with a mug in her hands and a neat stack of papers by her left elbow.

 

“Hello, Bella,” she says warmly, with a pleasant smile.

 

“Hi, Mrs. Clearwater,” Bella shyly replies as she stumbles to get around Jacob’s massive frame and into a wooden chair.

 

“Please, it’s Sue,” she states with a wave of her hand.

 

Jake smiles and goes to the cupboard where they keep their small mismatched collection of water glasses.

 

“How’s college treating you so far?” Sue asks.

 

Bella traces the tips of her fingers along the grain of the wood. “Fine, thanks. I’m still kind of finding my way around though.”

 

Sue smiles. “Well, you’re all Charlie talks about, going on about your classes and such.” 

 

Bella blushes. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

Jacob snorts, and Bella shoots him a look, but he just smiles, grabs the chair beside her and places a glass of water in front of her before he sits down and kisses her jaw. Bella’s cheeks darken again; Sue smiles.

 

“Can I get you anything else, Sue?” Jacob nods towards her mug.

 

Sue shakes her head. “No, the coffee was lovely, thanks. I should actually get going, I have to stop by the hospital still.” She pushes herself out of her chair, and Jacob gets up after her.

 

“It was great to see you again, Bella,” Sue calls over her shoulder from the front hall.

 

Bella stands up quickly. “You too.”  

 

Bella hovers at the mouth of the hall and watches as Sue pats Jacob’s cheek and whispers some words to him in what can only be Quileute. He smiles and nods, then locks the door behind her. 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_“I wanted this so badly,” she cries, wrapping her arms around her mother and squeezing with all her might._

 

_“I know,” she replies patting her head softly. “But it’s best you got out now before things got too complicated.”_

 

_Renée has no idea just how deeply that statement registers with Bella._

_“I have no idea what I’m going to do.” Bella has no plans for herself, for her immediate future. She hasn’t thought about money or school or anything like that._

_All she has considered is she and Edward being together forever._ _She has no hopes, plans, or even dreams._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

“So, what did Mrs. Clearwa- I mean, Sue, say to you?” she asks curiously, rolling onto her side and looking over at him.

 

“Why? Worried we were talking about you?” He smiles as he runs the tips of his fingers up and down the length of her arm; it tickles.

 

“No.”

 

“Liar.”

 

She smiles and then props her head up. “Teach me some Quileute.”

 

His fingers brush the column of her neck. “I don’t actually know much, just a bit from my dad and grandparents, and the basic stuff that we get in school when we have a teacher who can speak it.”

She pushes herself up onto the pillow a little more. “I don’t care. Teach me anything.” 

 

He smirks, rolling onto his back. “Okay.” His brows furrow for a moment, and then he leans over and runs his fingers back up her arm. “This is your _tá-chit_. And these,” he reaches for her hand and kisses the tips of her fingers, one by one, “these are your _qád-dĭt_.”

 

“I see.” It comes out breathier than she had planned.

 

A kiss to the bend of her elbow, _“o-dus-qai-ít.”_

 

He repeats this for her eyes and nose and ear, his lips brushing over her skin, the anatomical terms rolling off his tongue like honey.

 

Bella sucks in a gulp of air as his lips press down on the hollow of her neck, “ _ka-bó_ _‘k-us_ ,” the pale skin of her collar, _“o-tí-plĭt.”_  

 

His hand slides down the small swell of her waist, and she carefully places her hands on the planes of his chest. She bites down on her lip, egging him on. “What else?” 

 

He grips her waist and pulls her closer, so much closer. His breath is hot on her face, his teeth pull ever so slightly over her bottom lip, _“o-lít,”_ and then he kisses her, his lips fitting over hers.

 

Her fingers slide up, and she knots them in his hair. “What’s this?” she asks, tugging to reinforce her question. Jacob moans into the crook of her neck. The springs make a sound of protest as Jacob pushes her further into the mattress, his knee pressing between her legs. She arches into him, and he groans when the metal of her belt scrapes the button of his jeans.

 

“I don’t remember,” he grunts. Bella's hips roll again, and he grabs a fistful of the lumpy pillow. “I can’t remember anything else.” 

 

 “No,” she gasps, her fingers moving along the pulse of his neck. “Keep going.”

 

He pauses, just breathing against the skin of her neck. Bella, all impatience today, grabs the zipper of her sweater, pulls it off, and hurls it across the room. 

 

His lips press down once on the expanse of bared skin at her stomach, _“wihl_.”

 

Twice on her shoulder, _“hla'o,”_

 

Three times to the cluster of small freckles around the swell of her breast, _“Qa'a,l”_

 

Four times on her waist – two for each hipbone, _“Ba'iyas,”_

 

Their fingers begin to fumble over each other’s clothes, at a reckless pace.

 

“Wait.” He grabs her wrists and holds them tight. “I’m pushing you. I didn’t mean to; we’ll stop – I’ll stop, and I –”

 

She stretches her body up and presses it against his. He makes a noise she can’t quite define, and his features scrunch up. When he’s calmed himself down, he releases his breath and lets everything fall back into place.

 

“Are you nervous?” he whispers softly, looking down into her eyes. She can feel the muscles in his stomach clench as she brings her hand up to brush away all the hair from his face so she can see his eyes.

“Yeah,” she mummers quietly.

 

“Good, me too.” And then he kisses her, and she’s lost, she’s gone.

 

Bella doesn’t think it’s fair that she feels like she’s about to collapse, like she’s been pushed to her limit, and yet Jacob looks just like he always does… except for maybe a matte-like quality to his hair, but that’s her fault anyway because she’s had her fingers through it for the past half hour.

 

He hasn’t even broken a sweat; her body is practically dripping with it.

 

It’s just not fair.

 

He looks up at the popcorn stucco ceiling and smiles brilliantly. “I don’t have a word for that.”

 

 

 

\--- 

 

 

 

_Her heart races at an unknown speed. She can barely remember to keep breathing, let alone to keep her emotions at bay._

 

_The room spins and his cold breath on her lips is the only thing keeping her from drifting into the swirl of chaos around her. She reaches to pull him closer, tighter to her and her teeth graze the curve of his lower lip and –_

 

_She blinks, and he’s across the room shaking violently. The chair to her desk smashed on the floor beside him, evidently in his path._

 

_“Edward,” she breathes, “I’m sor-”_

 

_He shakes his head and runs a hand through messy hair. “No, it’s fine. I just need a moment.”_

 

_He crosses the floor to the door, stopping with his hand on the handle. Bella’s throat constricts tightly as he turns to her and bows his head. “It seems I’m not as in control as I thought I was.”_

 

_He pauses. Bella gasps for another breath, “Just give me more time,” he says._

 

_And with that, he’s out the door._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

Bella generally comes home every weekend that it’s possible for her to do so. She has friends at school, but she still gets lonely and homesick and misses the warmth of Charlie’s chilli (one of the only meals he can make without a barbeque).

 

She’s at the gas station filling up, her eyes wandering aimlessly when she makes contact with the person on the other side of the pump from her. Her eyes widen.

 

“Angela?” she questions softly, rising up on tiptoes to see over the machine.

 

The girl across from her gasps loudly and smiles widely at her. “Bella, oh my gosh, how are you?”

 

Bella shrugs. “I’m fine, I guess. How have you been?”

 

Angela looks like she’s fluttering with excitement. “Well good, I mean – yeah I’ve been good.” She pauses and releases her nozzle. “So, what are doing with yourself these days?”

 

Bella blushes. “Oh, I’m at U-Dub.”

 

Angela smiles but looks confused. “I thought you had been accepted to Dartmouth with Edward?”

 

Bella’s stomach tightens. “I was, but things didn’t really work out.”

 

Angela nods and smiles awkwardly. “Are you going to be in Forks for very long?”

 

“Just until Monday, I have a class Tuesday afternoon.” The pump clicks and Bella releases her nozzle and pulls it from the gas tank.

 

“Well,” Angela says merrily, swiping her card and grabbing her receipt, “we should get together, I’m in town until Thursday.”

 

Bella smiles. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

 

Angela opens her car door. “Okay, well I’ll call you then.” She waves, gets in her car and starts the engine. Bella watches as she turns up Gordan Street and rounds the corner.

 

She can do this. She has to do this.

 

Angela’s house looks the same; not that Bella expected it to change drastically in a year, but still, it feels like she’s stepped into a distant memory that’s faded around the edges.

 

She knocks on the door twice before it’s thrown open and Angela smiles warmly at her. Her hair looks a little dishevelled, tossed up into a ponytail on the top of her head. It gives her the appearance of being nearly six feet tall.

 

“Come on in.” She motions with her arm and Bella takes a small step into the hallway. Her lips curve in a small smile, and she looks around shyly.

 

Angela shuts the door behind her and smiles again. “My parents are in Pullman for a _spiritual conference_.” She rolls her eyes and heads into the kitchen. “So, I sent Josh and Isaac to a friend’s house for the night.”

 

Bella grins and plops down onto the couch. She half expects to see the coffee table littered with envelopes and invitations when she looks down, but instead, there are just cozy knit drink coasters and a decorative bowl of scented flowers.

 

“Have you had anything to eat yet?”

 

“No, not yet--”

 

Angela pops her head out the kitchen door. “Good, because I’m starving, so I made huge quantities of pasta.” 

 

Angela shuffles back into the room with two plates full of pasta. She hands Bella one plate and sits down on the couch across from her.

  

Conversation with Angela is comfortable, but it’s always been that way. For two girls that are generally quiet, when they’re together there always seems to be something to talk about. Angela’s face lights up when she talks about school and living in Oregon. Bella can nod along as Angela tells her about her biology classes and her roommate and the weird themed parties she’s had to endure.  

 

And she can see the changes - the way Angela has come out of her shell. She can tell just from the way Angela talks with her hands, her fork flying in every direction with the flick of her wrist. Angela tells her stories that Bella would never have dreamed in a thousand years that Angela would have done. And yet it still sounds like her. There’s always this well-maintained line to everything she says.

 

Bella wonders if she’d had a normal life, whether she would have turned out more like Angela.

  

Her cheeks are pink, her eyes are bright, and when she smiles it’s genuine – never something forced. But then Bella makes an offhand comment about Ben, and suddenly Angela’s eyes lose a bit of their light. Bella would recognize that look anywhere.

 

“We broke up,” she says casually, trying to mask the sudden sadness in her eyes. She drains the rest of her drink and shrugs. 

 

Bella looks down at her glass. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” She pauses, gnawing at her lip. “Did you two end it on good terms? I mean, I know you’re both at the same school…”

 

Angela shrugs again. “I guess. I mean, I can’t really be mad at him. He just fell out of love with me, he can’t change the way he feels.” She shifts her position. “It’s just one of those things.”

 

Bella nods. “Yeah, I think I know what you mean.”

 

Angela looks down with a small smile and plays with her fork. “Bella,” she begins softly, “if you don’t mind me asking, what happened with you and Edward?”

 

Bella’s heart lurches, and a small wave of panic goes through her. A million things crash through her brain; she even considers telling Angela the truth for a second. Maybe she should. It would be nice to have someone in on the secrets that controlled her life who didn’t have a biased opinion.

 

But in the end, she just laughs nervously. “We wanted different things.”

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_The suitcase isn’t big enough to hold all the clothes she’s acquired, she’ll have to leave some behind. But then again, it’s not like she’ll miss them. She didn’t wear them anyway._

 

_Another tear slithers down her cheek, and she wipes at it haphazardly as she rolls her shirts and sticks all her socks into shoes to help save space (Renée taught her that trick years ago when she first started flying out to Forks). Suddenly there’s a loud knock at the door. Bella wipes at her eyes one last time and smoothes down her hair. She’s not expecting anyone; she doesn’t know anyone well enough to have someone visit her._

 

_She quickly opens the door to the apartment she and Edward shared and sucks in her breath._

 

_“Hi,” Emmett says awkwardly, his huge frame taking up the entire doorway. His hands are stuffed into his pockets, and his hair looks curlier than usual for some odd reason._

 

_“Emmett,” she breathes, “what are you doing here?”_

 

_He shrugs. “I thought you might want some help.” He nods toward the boxes scattered on the floor._

 

_More stupid tears threaten to pool in her eyes. “That’s really sweet of you, but you don’t have to. I’m f- ”_

 

_Emmett rolls his eyes. “I’m already here, so you might as well just let me in.”_

 

_She quickly takes a step back and blushes. Emmett laughs, and she blushes harder._

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

The wind blows a cold draft through Bella’s open window, and she snuggles down onto Jacob. Sharing her double bed seems to be problematic at times, but they somehow manage to make it work. He doesn’t stay the night with her very often; it’s too tricky with school, patrol scheduling and Billy.

 

Bella bites her lip and smiles, tracing a figure eight along his skin with the tip of her finger.

 

She’s twenty today.

 

She never thought she’d make it to this age. A year ago, this wasn’t even an option. Turning nineteen made her feel ancient like she was running out of time with every second she blinked. She was paranoid about even the smallest fine lines, because every day she grew a tiny bit older, and Edward stayed the same – utterly beautiful and flawless as the day she first saw him.

 

Of course, now she realizes she was ridiculous. She’s got her whole life ahead of her and too much to be excited about to waste time worrying about grey hair, the thinning of her lips and losing her waist. 

 

Jacob lets out a heavy breath, followed by a soft snore, and slackens his grip on the back of her thigh a little.

 

She shifts again, so now his hand is under the hem of her sleeping shorts and touching more of her skin. He snores lightly still, the breath blowing past Bella’s right ear and making her grin. It’s hard to believe that he won’t be eighteen until the winter, that she’ll watch him graduate high school this June.

 

She scans her small room silently. It’s a one-room rental unit with a hot stove and barely working shower, but it’s better than a crowded dorm full of first years. There’s a desk on the far left-hand side covered with books and her laptop; the flowers Jacob brought her sit in an old recycled juice can by her phone.

 

She smiles again. It really has been the most relaxing birthday to date. There’s been no flurry of gifts and people doting on her. No fuss.

 

It has been just the two of them. Only Jacob and her curled up on her bed watching an old B horror film, with empty cartons of Thai food on the floor. It’s what they always do, but that’s what makes it so, she hates the word, but… perfect.

 

They don’t need to try, they just are. 

 

And she knows that when she goes home this weekend, there’ll be a fuss, just like she asked them all not to do, she knows they won’t listen.  
  
  
Jacob’s told her as much, casually mentioning the firecrackers Quil’s trying to illegally obtain for the evening, and the excessive amount of food Sue may or may not be making in the Blacks’ kitchen.

 

And of course, she’ll blush and be flustered the entire time. But right now, she can forget all that.

 

Right now, she can close her eyes and focus on the hum of the city street outside her window, the feel of Jacob’s burning skin and the knowledge that she has many more birthdays to come.  

 

 

 

\---

 

 

_“So, you’ll call me once you’ve settled in, right?” Charlie scratches the back of his head and watches as Bella hurries up the stairs to grab her last bag._

_“Yeah,” she calls back absentmindedly. “Of course, I will.”_

_She walks into her room and picks up the bag lying on the floor, secures it over her shoulder. She takes a deep breath._

_This is it, this is the final time she’ll set foot in here. She scans the walls, the blue curtains, the old bed, her small wooden desk, and old computer._

_Gently, she smoothes down her quilt, letting her fingers run along the material for the last time. How many of her tears has it absorbed over the previous year? How many times has it muffled her screams of terror in the dead of night?_

_She bites down on her tongue to stop the tears and quickly shakes her head. No, she won’t get like this. She wanted this, she still does. All that matters is eternity with Edward._

_A sigh runs through her body, and for the very last time, Bella closes her bedroom window._

_“Bell,” Charlie calls gruffly. “Edward’s here.”_

_She wipes at her face in fear of having shed unnoticed tears and hurries down the stairs._

_Edward is standing by the door, waiting for her with his crooked smile, and she feels her heart race. Charlie’s frowning and she can tell he’s annoyed that Edward is even in the house._

_“Are you all ready?” Edward asks, holding open the door for her. She nods silently and turns her attention to Charlie._

_“Well,” he starts, running his hand over his head. “I guess this is it, kid.” He smiles an awkward, forced smile and pockets his hands._

_Without even thinking about it, she drops her bag on the floor and hugs him. He hesitantly wraps his arms around her, but when she sinks into him, he tightens his grip._

_“You’ll be okay, Bell. You’ve always been okay.”_

_She sniffles, tears breaking free, snorts at what he’s just said. For some reason, it reminds her of something Jake would say. “You’ll call me if you hear anything about Jake, right?” she asks._

_“Yeah.” He pats down her hair. “I’ll make sure you know.”_

_“Okay,” she says softly. She takes one last deep breath and exhales slowly. “I love you, Dad.”_

_He pats the top of her head once again. “I love you too, Bella.” He pauses. “Just promise me, you’ll call me, if, you know – you want to come home or anything.”_

_She rolls her eyes, extracting herself from his arms and picking her bag back up. “I promise,” she says for his benefit, and heads out the door._

_Edward’s parked by the sidewalk, leaning against the driver’s side door of Emmett’s truck._

_He smiles at her, lets it slowly crawl up his features until it hits his eyes, and Bella feels her breath constrict within her chest._

_There’s no mistake. This is what Bella wants._

 

\---

 

 

 

Jacob walks her to the security gate (it’s as far as he’s allowed to go), with his arm wrapped loosely around her waist.

 

Bella would never admit it to him, but she likes the way he threads his fingers through the belt loop of her pants, likes the way he doesn’t even realize how territorial he’s being.

 

They could just hold hands like every other couple known to mankind, but instead, he chooses to hold onto her in a way that continuously keeps maximum physical contact. And yes, maybe she’s got her arm stretched across his back with her hand clutching the fabric of his shirt, but it’s only because she didn’t want to look odd with her arms just hanging there.

 

When they reach the line of people, Jacob steers her off to the side and joins his other arm around her waist. “So,” he states, swaying them both together as he shuffles his feet. “I don’t want to sound clingy or anything, but you’ll call me once you get to your mom’s, won’t you?”

 

She smiles and flings her arms around his neck lazily, her wrists barely crossing over one another, it’s such a stretch. “Yes,” she giggles. “I promise that I won’t forget to call you.”

 

He grins and kisses her softly. “I still can’t believe your mom’s having a baby.”

 

“I know,” she says, shaking her head. “I can’t even fathom the idea. I’m too old to be a big sister.”

 

Jacob nods his head, and Bella kicks his foot, pouting. “You’re not supposed to agree with that.”

 

Jacob laughs again and leans back down to kiss her. She rises up on the tips of her toes and rubs a few strands of his hair between her thumb and index finger. 

 

“Just make sure you don’t drop it when you hold it for the first time,” he mumbles against her lips. She can feel him smirking.

 

She blushes, pushing him away. “You’re not very funny.”

 

He grins. “I have to disagree with that.” He draws a circle on the small of her back. “You’ve told me on numerous occasions that I’m hilarious.”

 

“I was just trying to boost your confidence. Quil’s far funnier than you.”

 

He arches an eyebrow. “I’ll have to let him know then.”

 

Bella quickly throws her arms back around him. “No, don’t do that. Then he’d never leave me alone.”

 

She could just see it now: Quil trailing behind her, whipping out joke after joke in a ridiculous manner, messing up the punch line or saying something so obscene that Bella’s cheeks would burn.

 

And besides, his ego really didn’t need to get any bigger.

 

Jacob laughs loudly at this, making the both of them shake ever so slightly. Bella’s eyes slip closed for just a moment, and she savours it all. She relishes the way his laugh rumbles through them both, the way he smells - like toothpaste and wood chips, the warmth of his skin and the feeling of ease that passes through her body like a breath of air.

 

“You should go,” he says quietly after a moment. Bella’s eyes flutter back into focus, and she turns her head to stare at the doors where airport security awaits, ready to check her passport and rummage through her personal belongings.

 

“Yeah,” she sighs, untangling herself from his arms. “I guess I’d better get a move on, or I’ll miss the entire birth.”

 

Jacob nods and takes her hand in his as they walk over to the doorway. Once they get there, he squeezes her hand lightly.

 

“Give Renée and Phil my congratulations.” She nods, and he kisses her forehead. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

 

As he turns to leave, Bella finds her voice. “Jake!” she calls after his retreating form. He turns and meets her eyes.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you,” she says, blushing when an older looking woman smiles at them on her way past security.

 

Jacob smiles so brightly that his entire face seems to light up. “I love you, too.”

 

Bella bites her lip, waves shyly at him one last time, and hurries to pull her passport and boarding pass out of her bag. 

**Author's Note:**

> There was some wonderful art created for this piece here: https://crapnahalficons.livejournal.com/65152.html.


End file.
